Friday, March 30, 2012

in sickness and in health..

It's easy to be genuine when life is butterflies and roses, with the occasional bee sting. But when your life is a metaphorical bee hive, brought on mostly by your own ugly sin, being authentic isn't as attractive. So for the last year, by far the hardest AND happiest year of my entire life, I have ceased being transparent, hoping instead that people will think my marriage is sprinkled with fairy dust and all we do is laugh and travel.

Walking down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams, I felt as close to God as I ever have been. Tears welled up in my eyes as we sang "In Christ Alone" at the altar, and as I thought about how sweet it is to know and be known by Christ. Throughout the past year, I have more than a hand full of times, yelled at God, blaming him for giving me that man--the man He gave me as part of His perfect plan and timing-- because he makes life so hard. I couldn't be sinful solo anymore and the ever present mirror to my heart, named Jay, made things uncomfortable. Over the last year, God has exposed the grossest parts of my heart in front of and because of the person who loves me the most. Impatient, stubborn, heartless, prideful. Not just a cliché list of sins, but the inside of my heart.

When I said the phrase "in sickness and in health" on April 2nd 2011, I thought it applied to 50 years from now, when I will need Jay to change my Depends. What I have seen, as evidenced by this last year, that this part of the covenant applies to so much more. Both Jay and I have been sick with sin, invaded by the virus of pride and self-centeredness. For example, I want things my way when I want them my way, and I want them my way asap. I am impatient. Jay has dealt with this sickness time and time again, applying the gospel as an antidote, and patiently praying Christ to win the war on this sickness.

Jesus, like Jay, knew these things, and loved me when I was not so lovely.

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